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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/27539353">Flowers of Suffocation</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/kariberri13/pseuds/kariberri13'>kariberri13</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Carry On Series - Rainbow Rowell</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst with a Happy Ending, Eventual Happy Ending, Hanahaki Disease, M/M, Sad Tyrannus Basilton "Baz" Pitch, Tyrannus Basilton "Baz" Pitch Is Gay for Simon Snow</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-11-13</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-11-16</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 16:41:15</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>3</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>7,271</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/27539353</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/kariberri13/pseuds/kariberri13</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Hanahaki disease: Unrequited love so strong that it kills it's victims. I was going to suffocate to death because of Simon Snow. I was going to die, and nobody knew.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Penelope Bunce &amp; Simon Snow, Simon Snow/Agatha Wellbelove, Tyrannus Basilton "Baz" Pitch/Simon Snow</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>13</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>145</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Chapter 1</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Snow has been following me around for the past week. He keeps insisting that I’m off plotting. Plotting his demise, plotting to steal his girlfriend, plotting something. In reality I just want to escape him. Him taking up his fifth year habits isn’t doing much to help that. In our last year at Watford, I just want peace and quiet. I just want to finish the year at the top of the class, and then let Snow run me through with that infuriating sword of his. </p><p>When I finally get a moment of peace in our room, it’s short lived. I feel like I have something stuck in the back of my throat. I try to clear the feeling away, but nothing works. I take a deep breath, somehow it feels more shallow than before. I shrug it off, vampires can’t get sick. I sigh before standing, I have class. Snow shares Elocution with me, right now I can’t decide whether it’s a blessing or a curse, maybe it’s both.</p><p>I sit next to Dev, and I feel the moment that Snow enters the room. The smoky scent that follows him always gives him away. I turn and give him my best sneer. He instantly glares back at me and the smoky smell intensifies. Bunce tugs on his arm and gives him a pointed look. I turn away, no matter what, getting under Snow’s skin gives me satisfaction. I frown as I cough again, Dev turns to me with a raised eyebrow. I shake my head, and he doesn’t ask. He simply turns back to what Miss Possibelf is saying. I can feel Snow’s eyes on me again, this time I ignore him. If I want peace and quiet, I’m going to have to tone down antagonizing him. </p><p>Elocution passes without any more insults, but Snow keeps staring at me. I sighed, willing the tickle in the back of my throat to go away. I make my way back Mummers, hoping Snow doesn’t come back right now. Of course the universe hates me, because he trails behind me, probably thinking he hasn’t been noticed. On the walk back to our room, the cough comes back. It makes my shoulders shake, it feels like it might be getting worse. I’m not sure I understand what is happening, again, vampires can’t get sick. </p><p>When I finally reach our room, Snow slams the door shut behind him. I roll my eyes and sit down at my desk. Maybe the oaf will stay quiet and I can work on my Latin homework. The silence in the room only lasts a few minutes before Snow interrupts. </p><p>“I saw you coughing. Are you getting sick?” Snow accuses.</p><p>“I might be coming down with a cold Snow. It’s something that happens.” I reply, holding in another cough.</p><p>“Vampires don’t get sick.” He’s standing in the middle of our room now. I sigh and turn to him.</p><p>“Pity I’m not a vampire then.” I get up from my desk, obviously Snow isn’t going to drop this by the look on his face. When he gets angry, his face flushes and he reaches for the Sword of Mages. </p><p>	“Fuck off Baz. I know you’re a vampire. And vampires don’t get sick.” He yells, stepping closer. Snow just won't let go of the fact that I’m a vampire. He doesn’t actually have proof, and no one believed him when he went around telling everybody in fifth year.</p><p>	“Seriously Snow, leave me the fuck alone.” I storm off into the en suite. Snow just stands there, mouth gaping open. I slam the door closed, and sit against it. The smoky smell that Simon has begins to fade. I hear the door open and softly close. Apparently he took my advice today. I’m surprised that he isn’t pounding on the door, insisting I let him in. More coughs wrack my body. When they are over, I sigh. Whatever this is, it isn’t getting better on it’s own. It’s getting worse.</p><p> </p><p>SIMON<br/>	After Baz stormed into the en suite and told me to leave him alone, I actually did. I wanted to make him come out and tell me what was going on. Instead I went to find Penny. I know vampires can’t get sick. Doubt about Baz being a vampire fills my head. I push out the thoughts, thinking is pointless, I need Penny. </p><p>	When I find her, she’s in the library. I know she is going to tell me that I already met my Baz quota today, but I feel like she might allow this. I sit down across from her without saying anything. She peeks over her book, eyes narrowed, but she doesn’t say anything. Minutes pass as I sit restlessly until Penny finally sighs.</p><p>	“Simon, this better not be about Baz.” She sounds tired.</p><p>	“Penny I swear it’s important.” I insist. She rolls her eyes and motions for me to continue.</p><p>	“I’m not sure anymore that Baz is a vampire.” I confess. She pauses at that, and puts down her book. She apparently finds this important enough.<br/>	“Why the sudden change?” She questions. I glance around the library, there isn’t anyone around.</p><p>	“I think he’s getting sick. Vampires don’t get sick.” I tell her, she frowns at this. She doesn’t answer right away, lost in thought. </p><p>	“I’ve never seen Baz sick before.” She states quietly. “If he gets a cold, then he couldn’t be a vampire Simon.” I nod. I was almost hoping that Penny would tell me that vampires could get sick, what if I was wrong about Baz? Maybe he isn’t a monster. Penny turns back to her book and I just stare blankly at the bookshelves. Could I have been entirely wrong about him? </p><p> </p><p>BAZ<br/>	A week passes without Snow getting in my face and accusing me of being a vampire or of plotting. It's peaceful, yet unnerving. I feel like he’s up to something. I pause for a minute, Crowely, I’m starting to sound like him. The coughing gets worse, and I feel like I can breath less. Niall and Dev have both noticed, but when they tried to ask, I shut them down. They haven’t brought it up since. Snow continues to stare at me throughout class, and he stares at me in our room. Every time I turn to sneer at him, I end up coughing. Even teachers are starting to notice. Miss Possibelf suggested that I went to the infirmary. I told her I would go, but I didn’t mean it. </p><p>	Saturday morning is when I finally get my answer as to what’s wrong with me. Snow had already gone to breakfast, and I was finally getting out of bed. After I shut the window, hard coughs wracked my body. It was painful this time. It felt like I was trying to rid myself of my lungs. The coughing didn’t let up for a few minutes, and when I brought my hands down, there was a white petal in my hand. </p><p>	I stared at it for a minute, this could not be happening. Simon Snow was going to be the death of me, and he would  never know. Hanahaki disease, unrequited love so strong, it suffocates its victims. I feel tears drip down my face. This was going to be the way that I die. I always thought I would die pretending to fight Snow until the last breath, but I was going to suffocate. I sank to the floor, more tears spilling, pooling into my hand along with the petal. </p><p>	Hanahaki disease normally kills within a month and a half. This meant that I had roughly a month and a week to live. I would never graduate, Bunce would finish at the top of the class, I wouldn’t live to see another Christmas. Briefly I wonder if anyone would care. I know Dev and Niall would, but they wouldn’t show it. Snow would be relieved, he wouldn’t have to spill my blood himself.</p><p>	I hack up another petal, it floats to the ground. I quickly grab my wand and spell them away. If Simon walks in here and sees me on the floor with flower petals, he is going to accuse me of something.</p><p> </p><p>	Two more weeks pass without anyone noticing anything. Snow still gives me weird looks, but that's normal for him. It’s gotten harder to breathe, and I cough up more than one petal now. Sometimes it’s a whole flowers’ worth of petals, sometimes it’s even more. The petals are speckled with blood too. I know that my appearance has started to change. I look paler, sicker now. I act like nothing's wrong. I have about three weeks to live, and no one but me knows it. </p><p>	It all goes wrong when Bunce and Simon are doing whatever it is they do in our room. I’m trying to study while ignoring those two. I start to cough, this time it's deep wheezing coughs. I see both of their heads whip up and stare at me. Their eyes follow me towards the en suite as the coughs don’t stop. When I finally get the door closed behind me, I can hear their whisperings. </p><p>	I slump to the ground, catching the flower petals that fall out of my mouth. I breathe deeply, hoping the fit is over, but it’s not. The coughs start up again, and this time, an entire flower comes out. The petals are getting covered with more and more blood as time moves forwards. My throat always feels raw, and I always feel like I am gasping for breath. </p><p>	I move to spell the petals and flower away, when I realise my wand is sitting on my desk. Bunce and Snow don’t sound like they are leaving anytime soon, I start to panic. What am I supposed to do locked up in here? I can’t flush this many flower petals down the toilet. I gather up all of the petals and the flower, I am just going to have to hide them, grab my wand, and leave the room. </p><p>	The minute that I leave the en suite, Snow is up on his feet, stalking towards me. I hear Bunce protest, but he doesn’t stop. </p><p>	“Seriously Baz. You’re sick and you need to go to the infirmary.” I moved to push past him when he grabs both of my arms. This sends the petals and the flower tumbling out of my shirt and onto the floor. The minute Bunce’s eyes land on them, I know she knows. While Simon is distracted by her, I make my escape. I run to the catacombs, ignoring Bunce’s pleas for me to stay.</p><p> </p><p>Simon<br/>	Baz leaves while I stare at the petals on the floor. They are white and red, I wonder where he got them. Maybe someone gave them to him? I turn to Penny, she looks like she’s seen a ghost.</p><p>	“Pen, what's wrong?” She doesn’t answer, instead her eyes are locked on the door. I look down at the petals again.</p><p>	“Do you think someone gave him some flowers? Why would he hide that?” I question aloud. I lean down to pick up one of the petals. </p><p>	“Simon, leave the petals alone.” Penny suddenly shouts. I startle, taking a step back.</p><p>	“Penny, what’s wrong?” I ask again. For some reason she has tears in her eyes. I step around the petals and sit down next to her.</p><p>	“Simon, do you know what Hanahaki disease is?” Her voice is quiet, I almost miss what she says. I shake my head. I have never heard of Hanahaki disease.</p><p>	“When a person is deeply in love with someone who doesn’t feel the same way, flowers grow inside their lungs, suffocating them to death.” Penny whispers.</p><p>	“Penny I don’t understand. What does this have to do with Baz?” I’m confused at how this disease came up. </p><p>	“Simon, Baz has Hanahaki disease.” It takes a moment for these words to sink in; Baz, suffocating, deeply in love. For a moment I don’t understand, and then it all makes sense. Baz Pitch is going to die. </p><p>	“There has to be something that we can do? Right Penny?” I turn to her, but the look in her eyes tells me all that I need to know. There is nothing we can do. </p><p>	“No Pen. There has to be something. We can research it in the library.” I go to stand up, but she tugs me back down, shaking her head no.</p><p>	“Si, there are only three ways Hanahaki disease can end. The love is requited, the flowers are removed surgically, or they die.” Penny says in a small voice.</p><p>	“So Baz gets them removed.” I go to stand again.</p><p>	“Simon, the surgery also removes the person's ability to love. They can never love again. It’s also incredibly dangerous, not many survive.” </p><p>“Oh.” I don’t try to stand again. I feel like I should be relieved that I don’t have to kill Baz, but he’s still going to die. He’s going to suffocate to death. I look at the petals again, this time I notice they aren’t white and red; they are white and cover with blood. </p><p>“He probably doesn’t have much time left. If that cough you told me about was the start, that was three weeks ago. Hanahaki takes lives within a month and a half” Penny whispers.</p><p>“Oh.” Is all that I can say.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Chapter 2</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>So I know this was supposed to be 2 chapters, but I can't stop writing. Originally this was supposed to be like 1000 words. Chapter 3 is actually going to be the end of this though. Let me know what you think!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Baz<br/>	Bunce knows, which means that Simon knows. I sit on the floor next to my mother’s grave. I decided a week ago that this was going to be the place I died. I wanted to be near my mother when I went. That way no one else would have to watch. I had a feeling that was now ruined.</p><p>	Bunce was going to tell Simon, who would tell everybody. He would embarrass me in my last weeks of life. I sigh, no he wouldn’t. Snow isn’t like that and Bunce wouldn’t let that happen. Sitting in the darkness, I wonder if they are going to come find me. I wipe away the tears that track down my face. More coughs wrack my body, spilling flower petals onto the catacomb floor. </p><p>	I lay on the floor of the catacombs, tears spilling onto the dirty floor. Rats scurry about, but I don’t have the energy to even attempt to hunt them. </p><p>	“Mother, I wonder if I should have ended my life sooner.” I whisper into the tomb. The cold of the floor seeps into my bones, but I don’t pay attention to it. The suffocating feel in my lungs grows, it has been steadily getting harder to breath. I let my eyes slip close, passing out on the floor. </p><p> </p><p>	When I wake up again, I pull myself stiffly off the floor. I look down at the blood speckled petals and spell them away. My magic has been growing weaker by the day, and right now, I feel the weakest I have ever been. </p><p>	I quietly leave the catacombs, hoping Snow is asleep. I hold in the coughs that threaten to bubble up. I quickly climb the stairs of Mummers. When I open the door, both Bunce and Snow are sitting on his bed. Both of them look at me as I walk in. Bunce has this sad look in her eyes, while Simon just stares at the wall. The petals are no longer on the floor where I left them. I assume Bunce spelled them away.</p><p>	“Baz?” Bunce says in a quiet voice. I don’t want to answer, but Snow steps in front of me. I sigh, I feel more tired than ever had. </p><p>	“Baz, what can we do?” I turn to her, I hate the look in her eyes.</p><p>	“There isn’t anything you can do Bunce. This isn’t something that's fixable.” She nods, then she pulls me into a hug. I stand there, trying not to break. </p><p>	“Let me go Bunce. It isn’t a big deal.” I say coldly. She pulls away and sighs, her eyes slip to Simon who's still standing behind me. She gives me a slight smile before she turns to leave. She leaves Simon and I alone in awkward silence. I know Snow wants to ask me a million questions, but he’s holding back. I plop myself onto my bed and lay there silently. A few minutes pass in complete silence before he finally says something.</p><p>	“Baz? Are you going to be okay?” His voice is small, I almost don’t hear him.</p><p>	“Define okay Snow.” I don’t even have the energy to snark back at him right now.</p><p>	“Pen and I want to help.” I know he’s sitting on his bed staring at me. I close my eyes, willing the tears to stop. I don’t want to cry anymore, especially in front of him. </p><p>	“Snow, there is literally nothing that can stop this.” He doesn’t say anything else, I almost think he isn’t going to. </p><p>	“We can find the person you love, or you could do the surgery.” He whispers back finally. I don’t give him an answer this time. I can never tell Snow I am in love with him, and I would rather die than never be able to love again. I hear him lay down and I wait until his breathing evens out. I flip over to stare at him. I want to commit how he looks to memory, as if I haven't done this before. </p><p> </p><p>SIMON</p><p>	When I wake up in the morning, Baz is already in the en suite. It’s strange, not being the first one awake. My eyes drift back to where those petals were. I still don’t know how I feel about Baz dying. Penny says it will be around three weeks from now. I can’t imagine how life will be without him. </p><p>	I wonder what the Mage will say. I wonder what the student body will say. I stay sitting in my bed, staring at the ensuite door. I can hear hard coughing from inside the bathroom. When Baz finally emerged, he didn’t look at me. He looks better than he did yesterday, well, he always looks good. I continue to stare at him as he moves around the room.</p><p>	“Stop staring at me Snow. I’m not broken, I’m not something you can fix.” He tries to put anger behind it, but it comes out tired. I don’t think anyone else would be able to tell Baz was tired by his voice. </p><p>	“I know you’re not broken Baz.” I start softly, but he interrupts me.</p><p>	“Then leave me the hell alone. I don’t want you and Bunce to do anything.” He says sharply, before quickly leaving the room. I leave to find Penny, maybe if she talks to him, he will listen. Penny is already sitting at our table, and she saved me a few sour cherry scones. </p><p>	“Penny, he doesn’t want to do anything.” </p><p>	“Simon, we can't force him to do anything about it. If this is what he wants, there isn’t anything we can do.” We both turn to look at Baz. I know he feels us staring at him, but he refuses to look back at us. </p><p>	“Pen, there has to be something.” I insist. She shakes her head.</p><p>	“Baz is smart Si. He knows what's coming. He knows the options and the risks. We aren’t going to be able to change his mind.” Harsh coughing fills the air, causing people to turn and look at Baz. He keeps his head down, but everyone knows he’s sick. If they only knew that he was dying. I fill Penny in on what Baz said this morning. She nods and turns back to her breakfast. </p><p>	I try eating, but I can only think about Baz and his impending death. Penny lays her hand on my shoulders. </p><p>	“I know Si. I know.” I just want to help Baz. I don’t want him to die. I know my destiny is supposed to be me killing him, but I never thought I would actually do it. Maybe I thought he would be the one to kill me. I don’t really know what would have happened if we ever got to that point. I never thought about it. </p><p> </p><p>BAZ</p><p>	I know Bunce and Snow are staring at me. Everytime I cough people stare at me. People are starting to talk about what is going on with me. No one else but those two know about this. I don’t think Bunce is going to let Snow tell anyone. I think at least right now my secret is safe. Crowely, I’m taking so many secrets to the grave. So many people think they know me, but they don't.</p><p>	A week and a half passed until anyone else found out. At this point I only have another week and a half. Breathing has gotten incredibly hard. I feel myself constantly gasping for breath.  It happens during lunch. I actually made it to lunch instead of using the time to sleep. I was sleeping all the time in between classes. I refused to give up going to class, and I could always feel Simon staring at me. His blue eyes were full of pity.</p><p>	During lunch I started coughing and gasping for breath. I couldn’t get enough air, and that's when the petals erupted out of my mouth. I heard teachers and students gasp. A dead silence fell, no one dared to make a noise. Dev and Niall had identical looks of horror on their faces. Everyone knew what was happening. Miss Possibelf was the first to move. She rushed to my side and tried to help me up. There wasn’t anything I could do, everyone knew I was dying now. Sure, people probably thought I just caught a bad cold, but now they knew what it was. </p><p>	Miss Possibelf helped me out of the dining hall and into the infirmary. I wanted to protest, but I didn't have the strength, or the will. I heard as I was being led out of the dining hall Snow call after me.</p><p> </p><p>SIMON<br/>The minute that petals and flowers start pouring out of Baz’s mouth, I panic. I can’t move, I can’t think of anything but Baz. I scream his name as Miss Possibelf helps him leave. Penny also stands up and grabs my hand, dragging me behind her. The entire hall is quiet, no one even moves. I think they all know what Baz has, and they all know the meaning of it. We quickly follow Baz out of the room, we’re gone before Dev and Niall even move. I think it’s because of Penny, and I don’t think they knew. </p><p>Part way down the hall I hear more people running after us, and I know it’s them. They are probably just as worried as I am. When we get to the infirmary, they don’t allow any of us in. They tell us we have to wait until Baz is all set up. I try to argue, but Penny pulls me back.</p><p>“What are you two even doing here?” Dev says. I can hear in his voice he is worried. I turn to them.</p><p>“I want to help.” It's the only thing I can think of saying. They both sneer at me.</p><p>“Right Snow. You probably cursed him or something.” Dev retorts. I want to say something, but I don't have the right words. Penny steps in instead.</p><p>“Come off it Dev, you know as well as I do that Basil has Hanahaki disease.” Dev’s face falls at that.</p><p>	“How long did you know?” He asks in a quiet voice. It’s completely different from the Dev from before.</p><p>	“A week and a half. But we thought he’s been getting sick for just over a month.” Dev nods, looking away. He tries to subtly wipe his tears away.</p><p>	“How long does he have?” Niall asks softly. Penny sighs, she doesn’t want to break this news. I turn away, tuning out the sound of her telling them. Sobs force their way out of me. I can’t stop them. I just want Baz to live. He deserves to live. He’s been through so much, and he had to deal with me as a roommate. I’m sure it wasn’t easy, maybe I could have made it easier, been nicer. </p><p>	They finally allow us to enter the infirmary, and Baz, he looks awful. His skin is paler than normal, and he’s actually sweating. He doesn’t even sweat like this after a football match. No matter how long he ran on the pitch, he never seemed to break a sweat. </p><p>	He isn’t awake right now, but Penny and I hang out near the door while Dev and Niall sit closer. I want to move closer, I don’t want to leave him alone. I don’t understand these feelings, I still love Agatha, right? I look over a Penny, she has a strange look on her face. She’s been watching me, but I don’t know why. I think Penny sees confusion on my face, because she drags me out into the hall.</p><p>	“Penny, what if something happens while I’m not in there?” I whine. Penny fixes me with a glare, she apparently isn’t in the mood for this.</p><p>	“Simon, why do you want to sit at Baz’s bedside? Why do you not want to leave him alone?” She asks. I feel like she already knows the answer. She has the same look she gets when I’m not getting something that I should already know.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Chapter 3</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I can't believe I already finished this. I also can't believe how long it turned out to be. Let me know what you guys think. It's been so long since I've written these two.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>BAZ<br/>	When I come too again, Dev and Niall are sitting at my bedside. I want to sneer at them, but I don’t have the energy to do so. They both are staring at me, concern etched into their faces. </p><p>	“Baz, why didn’t you tell us?” Dev starts softly. I want everything to be different. I wish no one ever found out, and I could peacefully talk to my mother as I took my last breath. I took as deep of a breath as I could before answering.</p><p>	“It's a pitiful death that I did not wish to share with anyone else.” I answered simply. I suppose there really is no reason to keep it secret any longer. They both nod, but they are obviously displeased with my answer. Silence falls upon the room again.</p><p>	I have a feeling that father and Daphne will be on their way, but I don’t want to ask. I’m sure they have been notified by the school. In the silence I can hear Bunce and Snow talking. It sounds like Snow is getting yelled at by Bunce. She seems to be trying to talk sense into him. I don’t particularly want them at my bedside. That's a lie, I want Snow here, I always want Snow. Tears prick at my eyes, but I refuse to let them fall.</p><p>	“Basilton, your family is on their way. I want to discuss your condition in private if that's alright.” The nurse says as she enters the room. As the door swings closed, I catch a quiet glimpse at Snow. He looks confused, nothing new there then. I nodded, to which Dev and Niall stood to leave. They both smile at me, before quietly exiting. </p><p>	“I’m sure you are aware of what disease you have.” She states. I nod, there really isn’t any other explanation for coughing up flower petals. </p><p>	“You have options to consider.” The nurse doesn’t really show any emotion. She simply states her thoughts, as if I’m not a week and a half from dying. It gets on my nerves, but I just nod. </p><p>	“I’ve considered the options already. I've already accepted the fact that I am going to die.” My tone is cold, but it doesn’t shock her. I have a feeling she knew already. With me not telling anyone, and the disease being this advanced, it's obvious I’m not going to get better. She gets up and leaves, forcing me to sit in the silence of my room.</p><p>	I stare at the white walls, thinking about how in just a short time, I will actually be dead. I’m not afraid. I can’t be afraid of dying, because I’ve long since accepted the fact that I was going to die. I thought it would be at Snow’s hand. I thought about that moment a lot. Sometimes at night, I would stare at him, trying to imagine his face as I died. I wondered if he would stay by my side, or if he would leave me to die alone on the ground. I wonder if I would confess my feelings with my last breath, or if it would be a secret that I took to the grave. I guess it doesn’t matter anymore. </p><p> </p><p>	I am dozing off when Daphne and father enter my room. His face is stony, no emotions showing. Daphne had tear tracks marking her face. None of the children are with them. I absently wonder if they are going to visit at all, or if they will just forget about me. I don’t know which I prefer. It's my father who speaks first.</p><p>	“Basilton.” It’s only my name, but I can hear all of the disappointment in his voice. The heir to the Pitch family, pitifully dying of Hanahaki disease. He stands at my bedside while Daphne sits and takes my hand into hers. </p><p>	“How are you feeling Basil?” She asks me. I almost want to lie and tell her I am fine, but the look in her eyes stops me from doing so.</p><p>	“I feel awful. I can barely breathe.” I state. Her eyes tear up as she squeezes my hand. I hear a low noise from my father. When I look at him, I can see the tears in his eyes. I don’t understand for a moment, then it hits me. He is watching the last living, well partially living, part of mother die. He sits down next to Daphne.</p><p>	Nobody said anything for the next few minutes. Daphne patted my hand, before standing to leave. She excuses herself saying she wanted to talk to the nurse. Father stared at me, he was in pain.</p><p>	“Will you tell me who he is?” He asked after the door swung closed. I was surprised that he didn’t ask who she was. When I told him I was gay, it didn’t go over very well. Maybe it's because I won't live much longer. I shake my head no.</p><p>	“Basilton, please.” I stare in shock at him, mouth hanging open. I don’t think he has ever said please to me. </p><p>	“Snow.” I muster up in a small voice. I feel like a child again under his stare. He nods at that. I tensely wait for his answer.</p><p>	“I see.” He lays his hand on top of mine. I refrain from saying more, as does he. When Daphne enters again, she moves to sit on the other side of my bed. She clasps my other hand. </p><p>	“Did you talk to the nurse dear?” My father asks her, but she shakes her head no. </p><p>	“I couldn’t find her.” She quietly says. I know this is a lie. She wanted to let father and I talk. Another coughing fit happens causing them both to let go of my hands. I sit up and take the bucket that Daphne hands to me. She rubs my back in soothing motions as father rests his hand on my shoulder. Finally when the flower petals stop coming up, father talks. </p><p>“White roses, your mothers favorite.” He quietly whispers. I freeze, I never knew her favorite flowers. I glance at him while Daphne takes the bucket away. He had tears dripping down his face, I haven’t seen him cry since her passing. I can’t hold back my tears any longer. </p><p> </p><p>	A week passes before I see Snow again. It's late at night when he slips into my room. I don’t think he knows that I am awake, so I don’t say anything. He sits down in the chair next to my bed. </p><p>	“Baz? I know you're awake.” He’s loud in the quiet room, even though he is trying to whisper.</p><p>	“What do you want Snow.” I ask, trying to put venom behind my words. It doesn’t work because I can’t get enough breath. It hurts to breathe, it hurts to talk, it hurts to be. <br/>	“If you tell me who she is, I can bring her here.” He softly offers. I consider what to tell him. I find that I don’t want to take all of my secrets to the grave with me. I want some people to know a few little things about me.</p><p>	“It's not a girl Snow. I’m gay.” I wheeze out. I sound terrible, even to my own ears.</p><p>	“Okay, if you tell me who he is, I can bring him here.” He amends. I wonder if Bunce knows that he is here.</p><p>	“No.” I finally turned to look at him. There are tears in his eyes. I expect him to keep arguing with me, but surprisingly he doesn’t.</p><p>	“Okay. Is there anything I can do?” He asks. I nod and he leans forward. </p><p>	“I only have a few days, but when it’s time, I don’t want to die in here. I want to be at my mother’s grave. Can you do that?” I know I shouldn’t have asked him this, but I can’t help it. I really don’t want to die here, I want to be in the most peaceful place I can think of. Snow just nods his okay. I wonder what he is thinking about. He leaves before I can ask him, and I’m too tired anyways.</p><p> </p><p>Simon<br/>	The nurse informed us last night that Baz was going to die today. His body had become too weak to combat the disease any longer. Just a few days ago he asked me to take him to his mother’s grave, I intend to do so. </p><p>	I’m not sure why I showed up there that night. I had been lying in bed, staring at the empty side of our room. I couldn’t sleep, so I let my mind wander. It wandered straight to Baz. I thought about him lying in that bed, alone, and I didn’t want him to be alone. I don’t want him to be alone when he dies. Well, I don’t want him to die. I still don’t understand what Penny was trying to tell me back when Baz first went into the infirmary. I don’t know why I want to be at Baz’s bedside. </p><p>	I’m still trying to process the news that today Baz is going to die. The nurse thinks he has until ten tonight. It’s not fair, he shouldn’t be dying right now. He shouldn’t die at all. I didn’t tell Penny about my visit the other night, but I think she knew anyways. I couldn’t find it in myself to see him for a week after he had been there, and I felt awful about it. </p><p>	It's already noon, and I haven’t been to a single one of my classes. The only time I have left this room is to go to breakfast. It doesn’t even smell like him in here anymore. I feel my stomach grumble, I don’t feel like eating right now. I show up to lunch anyways. Penny is sitting at our table already, but she doesn’t have any food in front of her. I slump into the seat next to her. Her eyes are red rimmed, she doesn’t want him to die either. </p><p>	“Penny, I really really don’t want him to die.” I whisper, pulling her into a hug. She nods, letting herself be pulled in.</p><p>	“Do you want to go see him?” She asks, even though she already knows my answer. We quietly leave the dining hall without getting any food. I notice that neither Dev nor Niall are here. When we enter Baz’s room, they aren’t here either. I wonder if they already said their goodbyes. </p><p>	Baz’s eyes are closed when we enter, his chest is shaking with the effort to breathe. The sound his breathing makes is horrible. Penny grabs my hand and squeezes. We both sit next to his bed, he doesn’t wake up. Penny reaches for his hand, still holding mine in her other.</p><p>	His grey eyes slowly slide open. His skin is so pale, and his hair is matted with sweat. I can’t remember a time he didn’t look perfect. His eyes barely focus on us.</p><p>	“Hey Basil.” Penny whispers. Baz’s mouth opens, but no sounds come out. Instead petals flutter out onto the bed sheets. She squeezes his hand, ensuring he knows we are there. Gently I wrap my hand around the both of them. Penny lets out a quiet sob before she speaks again.</p><p>	“Baz, I’m so sorry this happened. This isn’t fair. I’m going to miss you, you know that? I know we didn’t always get along, but still. I wish I could fix this. I wish there was time. I’ll see you again Baz, okay?” Her voice was thick with tears as she said her goodbyes. After she finished she sobbed harder. Baz’s hand squeezed just a tiny bit, he knew she said goodbye. </p><p>	“Simon, I’m going to go for a minute. You go ahead and say your goodbyes.” She leaned down and kissed Baz’s forehead, almost in a motherly way. After she was gone, I finally spoke.</p><p>	“Baz, I don’t know what I’m going to do without you. I don’t know why I feel this way, but I’m going to miss you. I wanted to fix this, I really did. I don’t know what to say. I know you hated me, I know we were supposed to be enemies, but this isn’t fair. This is terrible. I wish you just let me fix it Baz. Maybe the person you’re in love with, loves you back.” </p><p>Tears are freely streaming down my face now. His breathing is harder, I don’t think the nurse was right. I think he’s dying sooner. Sobs force their way out of my throat. It finally hits me as tears are running down my face, somehow along the way, I fell in love with him. It makes my heart ache, knowing I can never tell him. It breaks my heart that here he is, dying of unrequited love, and I’m finally figuring out my own feelings. </p><p>“Baz I’m so sorry for everything I put you through. I should have been nicer, I should have tried harder. I’m so fucking sorry this is happening. I’m sorry I can’t do the one thing you asked of me. I’m sorry.” </p><p>I can’t stop sobbing. I keep repeating that I’m sorry. He squeezes my hand, telling me he can hear me. Maybe he's trying to tell me it’s okay. It’s not okay. I can't bring myself to take him to his mother’s grave, even though I promised him. I don’t think he would last the trip anyways.</p><p>“Baz, somehow in all these years of fighting, I fell in love with you. I fell in love, but I pushed my feelings away. I didn’t think about them, and now, it’s too late.” I whisper to him. I let go of his hand and lean over, pressing a soft kiss to his lips. I slump back down in the chair, listening to his wheezing breathes become more shallow. Penny doesn’t come back.</p><p>Minutes pass as his breathing becomes gasps. I sob loud enough that it drowns out his breathing.</p><p> </p><p>Baz<br/>	I am vaguely aware that Bunce and Snow are in my room. I am also aware of the fact that I am incredibly close to death. I feel a hand slip into mine, then another grab both my hand and the other. When Penny says her goodbyes, I use as much strength as I can to squeeze her hand. I can’t speak, only petals come out whenever I try. </p><p>	Someone left the room, and I assumed it was her. The silence barely lasts before Simon speaks up. He’s crying and telling me how unfair it is that I’m dying. He cries and tells me all of the things I’ve dreamed about hearing. When he stands and presses a kiss to my lips, I can barely feel it. I wonder if this is just a dream. His sobs get louder and it gets harder for me to breathe.</p><p>	He doesn’t stop sobbing, even when I hazily think that it might be getting easier to breathe. I try to focus on what Simon said. It’s hard to focus my thoughts, but I think he said he loved me. I wonder if it’s enough to reverse the disease. While his sobs don’t quiet down, it does start getting easier to breathe. I don’t think he can hear my breathing over his sobs. </p><p>	I squeeze his hand again, trying to get him to focus on me again. As soon as his sobs quiet, I try to take as deep of a breath as I can. It is deeper than before.</p><p>	“Baz! Oh my god!” He exclaims. He lets go of my hand, and I miss the warmth as soon as it’s gone. The door slams open as I assume Bunce and the nurse rush in. Daphne and father had gone to get rest. They said they would be back in a couple of hours. Breathing is getting easier and easier. It's still hard, but I can feel the roots in my lungs loosen. </p><p>“I can’t believe it. The disease is dying.” The nurse says, listening to my breathing, “It’s going away.” </p><p>“Simon, you saved him.” Penny whispers, I barely hear it. If I wasn’t coming back from the edge of death I would have sneered about Simon Snow saving the day once again.</p><p>“I am going to go call Basilton’s parents.” The nurse announces as she leaves. As I can breathe more and more, I can focus more on what is happening around me. Simon is sitting next to me, Bunce is standing behind him.</p><p>“Why didn’t you tell me Baz?” He asks. </p><p>“Because.” My voice is raspy from disuse and from the petals. He gets an angry look on his face at my answer.</p><p>“Tyrannus Basilton Grimm-Pitch! If you told me I would have figured my own feelings sooner.” He exclaims. Bunce scoffs behind him.</p><p>“Simon, you would have come to me telling me he was plotting, even if he was actually dying. There is no way you would have believed him.” She glares at him. There is a question weighing heavily on my mind.</p><p>“Agatha?” I rasp. Simon stares at me with confusion in his blue eyes.</p><p>“We broke up weeks ago. I don’t think we will be getting back together now.” He states, like I should have known this fact. I was too busy with Hanahaki to notice they broke up again. </p><p>“Why?” I know I shouldn’t ask, but I need to have the answer right now. Simon smiles at me, he’s like the sun.</p><p>“Because I fell in love with you.” He states, like it's the most simple fact in the world. He glances back at Penny, who sighs and turns away.  He turns back to me, full of hope.</p><p>“Can I kiss you?” He asks. I am powerless to speak, so I just nod. Simon Snow saved my life, and he loves me. Aleister Crowley, I’m living a charmed life. There is so much to say to Simon right now, but I can’t think as his lips capture mine.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Let me know what you guys think so far!! I actually am having so much fun writing this.</p></blockquote></div></div>
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